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Had a long, tear filled, state of the union type talk with Justin last night. It's completely over, he completely lied to me and is back with his ex.

And you know what, I'm kinda okay with that. Weird, huh? Sarah always told me I could do better than him, and I know I could. I know I could also find someone way closer than him. 1100 miles is a lot. I know I've said and thought some mean and nasty things about Josie, but really... I have no reason to. It's been him all along. So cheers to them. Hope that he doesn't lie to her as much as he did to me.

He also said that he values my friendship, loves me as a friend, that I'm pretty darn fantastic, blah blah blah.

I told him if he ever fucking lies to me again I'll never speak to him as long as I live. Let's hope he can keep his promise.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Well not really. I'm more upset at myself for not seeing the writing on the wall. So stupid.

So he tells me that he's going to see family this weekend. Then I see a stupid comment on his Facebook status. From her. "Drive safe and see you in a few hours, baby <3" He lied to me.

My heart SANK. I know he's fucking her. I just KNOW it. Wow am I stupid.

So the moral of this story is never get involved with someone long distance. EVER.

The skanky, man-looking, crosseyed orange bitch can have him.
 
 
 
 
 
 
It seems like I only post here when I just want to get a lot of shit off of my chest and not have anyone really hear it or read it. Whatever.

So my life has kind of fallen into the toilet the past few months. It's funny how things can seem so great one moment and all fall apart the next. Take for instance my dad and his health. He's been sick with Hepatitis C which led to cirrhosis and eventually liver cancer. Sucks, right? Yeah, it does. So then he gets a liver transplant in February. We thought this was the ultimate solution. He's had nothing but complications since. Liver and kidney failure, mysterious internal bleeding, etc. He's still in the hospital and there's no way of knowing when he'll be getting out. He's confusing a lot of doctors. That's the big issue at hand.

Number two: I lost my job. Yep. I was there for three and a half, almost four years. We were bought out by another company and were all interviewed for jobs by the new company. Well, since the company I worked for had a bad reputation, they really didn't want any of us working for them. So I was kinda blacklisted even before the interview. Great. So I'm unemployed. Looking for work really kind of sucks right now, by the way.

Article three: There's a guy. Of course there is. There always is with me. He lives in Arlington, VA. I met him on a hockey message board, became friends, we met up in Boston this past St Patrick's Day, sparks flew, blah blah blah. Well, I come to find out that he's had an ongoing "complicated" thing with this orange bitch who looks like a man in lives in New Jersey. PS she's still technically married. And has children. And one of the people he lives with is best friends with her. Yay. So when I found this information out I was fucking crushed. We talked about it and he told me that I'm the only one he wants, blah blah blah. And at first I bought it. Hook, line and sinker. But now I'm starting to regret it. Lately he hasn't been talking to me as frequently as he used to and our conversations have literally no depth whatsoever. I thought it could just be growing pains, so I did something incredibly stupid and bought myself a ticket to go visit him in a few weeks with the money I got back from my damage deposit on my old place. He seemed excited at first, but he's still not talking to me all that much. I know this could be all in my head, but I consider myself to be pretty intuitive. I'm still going to see him and maybe being together in person will rekindle what we had before. By the time I go to see him, it'll have been four months since we've seen each other. Another thing that's been kind of bothering me about him, is that it seems like he wants to keep what he has with me a secret. I've been kept a secret before and I HATE it. Am I really that awful that people don't want to admit to being in a relationship with me? I don't think so. Enough people tell me that I'm awesome or amazing and I guess I sometimes believe them. But sometimes you have to wonder if it's just everyone feeding me the same bullshit.
 
 
 
 
 
 
So it's been almost three months since the last time I posted here.

Things are slowly improving for my dad. He's been home since October 13 which is pretty awesome. He had surgery on his spine to remove two infected discs and now has to wear a back brace all of the time. He uses the aide of a walker to get around. He's a pretty resilient guy and if anyone ever asked me who my hero is, it'd definitely be him.

So I've decided that I want to meet new people. A few months ago I deleted my OkCupid account, but last week I decided to open a new one. I actually have plans to meet up with a guy I've been messaging with tonight. I'm somewhat nervous about it because I always get nervous when meeting someone in person from online. Silly I know, because most of my friends I've met online somewhere. At any rate, I don't anticipate that I'll be hacked into bits or have something put into my drink.

Also, I'm not going to lower my standards or settle. If a person doesn't meet these standards, the potential for friendship is still there. The last guy that I met and was somewhat interested in didn't meet the standards that I've been trying to keep up, so we're friends. So yay, friends. Cool.

Last night I finally met Tina's estranged husband, Mike. I have to say he's not anything like I expected him to be. He's a big dude... 6'4" and easily at least 235 pounds, but all muscle. He's very soft-spoken but conversational and inquisitive. We all went to the MOA last night because Tina had to return something at Ragstock, and I had to get something for my dad for his birthday. It was kind of fun because Mike is also a little bit silly. Being the big guy he is, he thought it'd be funny to put on a smallish light pink ski vest. It was hilarious. I took a picture of it and may have to post it later. He then needed my help to get it off. Fun times. After shopping was IHOP. I had never eaten there before and it's not super fantasticawesome as the commercials make it seem to be, but it wasn't terrible. So all in all, a good evening. I really hope that Tina and Mike can make things work. They seem really good for each other and I like him. So there.

I should probably start doing actual work. But I'm prolonging that as much as possible because my tasks at work have been slowly dwindling. So much so that I fear for the security of my job at times. I've been toying with the idea of looking for something different, but I have NO freaking idea what I want to do. It's kind of too bad that nobody really reads this because I'd love some suggestions.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Summertime... and the living sure ain't easy.

This has been probably the most interesting summer of my life. Everything has changed so much. I do welcome new challenges, so this has been very interesting.

I started this season out very optimistic. Things were finally looking up for my dad healthwise. I had just moved into a great new place. The summer was full of promise. I was working on rekindling a lost romance with someone from my past. Things ended amicably between us, but he moved away and stayed there. He had been entertaining the idea of moving back to the Twin Cities and it seemed he wanted me to convince him. Talking, texting, emailing with him was so fun and it made me feel like I was 19 again. I had never been happier. Then tragedy struck. Not with him, but with my father. He had finally been put on the transplant list for a new liver. He had just had all of the tests to make sure the rest of his organs in his body could support a new liver. Then things quickly went downhill. About five weeks ago he started getting the hiccups and they wouldn't go away. My mom took him to the ER after about five days of hiccuping. They admitted him and weren't sure what was causing it. After about 3 days at United, I noticed he had a lump on his clavicle. He was scheduled to start his chemoembilization on the tumor on his liver on July 23 at U of M - Fairview, but when he was transferred there, he was instead put into the ICU. He had excess fluid on his knees and his lungs and this fluid was teeming with bacteria. The bacteria was staph, and if anyone knows... staph infections are generally external. One of the doctors explained that once a staph infection gets inside, it's like a bull in a china shop. It had infected his knees and lungs and also went into his collar bone. That's why the bump was there.

He had the fluid drained from his knees. The x-rays of his lungs showed that he had Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome, or ARDS. This usually happens to people when they have some sort of trauma to their lungs or chest, like if they were in a car accident. ARDS patients all heal in different ways and the doctor explained that while this was once a death sentence, mortality rate from this has significantly dropped to about 20%. Then they discovered that the infection had gone deep into his collar bone. So much so that he had to have part of it removed. After the surgery, one of the surgeons met with my mom and I and told us that he was doing great. He kept using the word "great" over and over again. It came as a shock the next day when they said that his lungs were weakening and his kidney function was starting to slip away. They said that all we could do was wait, and they said that if his heart started to fail, he was basically a goner. The doctor got the okay from my mom for the DNR, and my sisters and mom and I just sat in his room and cried.

Skip forward two days. They started taking him off the sedation medication. Took the breathing tube out. His lungs were starting to clear. He was still very confused and didn't know where he was or why he was there. He had to be reminded over and over where he was and the reason. His lungs were getting stronger, but his kidneys weaker. Started dialysis. That seemed to help some with the confusion. Moved out of the ICU. Kept up with the dialysis. Feeding tube gone. Eating soft foods. Eating solid foods. Confusion still there, but lessening. Doctor tells him that he needs to sleep more. Hah! Now today he's being moved from Fairview over to Riverside for transitional care. He'll have to have physical and occupational therapy, as well as still have an IV of antibiotics to fight the infection. The kidneys are functioning better and as a result of all of this, when he is unsuspended from the transplant list, he'll be higher up on it.

In the mean time, while I've been dealing with all of this, faraway boy came into town. Never realized he was such a mama's boy. How insulting and insensitive he is. What terrible taste in music he has... Katy Perry, Hinder, Breaking Benjamin... excuse me while I barf. Glad he's away again. Stay there, please.

So as this summer is winding down, life is getting back to normal. Hanging out with friends more. Yay! Got drunk and crazy with Heather last week for her birthday. When I say crazy, I mean CRA-ZY. Fun times were had, until some feelings and feet got hurt. It made me put things into perspective about how much I consume. Maybe drinking myself stupid isn't a great idea. Not saying that I'm going to give up drinking. Just slow down some.

Aah. I can't wait for fall to get here.
 
 
 
 
 
 
As of June 1 I will have a new home.

It's a pretty kickass duplex near the Wedge. You know what else that's near? DONT YOU?!?

The em-effing RED DRAGON.

Hell yess. And my soon-to-be roommate, Tina, has never been. She does not know the magic that is Wondrous Punch. She is in for a surprise. Yay for being within stumbling distance and not having to find a parking spot!
 
 
 
 
 
 
I know it's stupid... because we weren't seeing each other for very long... but I still can't help but feeling super hurt by Mike. Especially when he said that he'd do anything he could for me when the whole accident happened and when I TOOK CARE OF IT ALL BY MYSELF he was NOWHERE to be found.

When I finally did talk to him all I got from him was, "I'm not normally an asshole but..." and he gave me some long stupid excuse about his ex girlfriend and a bunch of other stuff. And guess what? I haven't heard from him since. I really can't say that I'm surprised but holy fuck... what has happened to men?

I really hate to generalize but it's always the guys who say, "Oh I'm a gentleman and I hate douchebags, blah blah blah" that are usually the WORST offenders.

I'm so glad that I'm a strong person who hasn't lost all faith in humankind.

Update on my dad:
He's now in rehab for his addiction to both oxycontin and oxycodone. I'm only allowed to see him once a week... every Sunday... and I don't know if I'm going to go this upcoming Sunday. I'm almost afraid to see him. Plus, he's at a hospital and since my stay at two different ones last November I've really grown to hate them. But, this is about him and not me so I should really just try to be less selfish about the whole situation. But my mom calls the nurses every day and they tell her that he's doing okay. The first 48 hours were tough because of the physical withdrawal symptoms. He's now on methadone and going to group therapy with guys who are going through the same thing. I hope he comes away a better person.

So yay. Life rules.
 
 
 
 
 
 
so after feeling exeptionally shitty yesterday, the day got better and better. i really should just get my feelings in check and not worry so much about the little things, no matter how many of them pile up.

for instance, if sarah doesn't come... it's not the end of the world. i know tina will be my roommate. and haha... that's gonna be trouble, but good trouble. fun trouble.

my dad isn't going to be on oxycontin much longer. he starts accupuncture next week for his head and neck pain and hopefully he'll be off the shit for good. i hate that stuff. i also hate any doctor who has ever prescribed it to a patient ever. and i hope they all die.

oh and i'm going to write in here. a lot. get ready for a patty revival, whether or not you want it. hah!
 
 
 
 
 
 
i am a perpetual fuckup. i always say the wrong things at the wrong times. burn bridges when i shouldn't. make friends with people i shouldn't trust. fall for guys way too hard too fast. make terrible decisions that lead to horrible consequences. if i ever attempt to give you advice, just do the opposite of what i say.

a few things that are on my plate:
moving. sarah is supposedly coming here from boston and is going to be my roommate. i sometimes get the feeling like she's not going to come. at any rate, i need to move.

new guy. had an accident with him the other night. it led to plan b. awesome. now i think he's having second thoughts about me and everything. it's funny how something like the threat of being a parent can make you reconsider things.

trying to be mediator with my family. it's hard to deal with a terminally ill man with addiction problems and his wife who constantly sticks her head in the sand and hides from all the problems. i have the most awesome parents in the world. when i say awesome, i mean i hope i don't end up like them at all.

so that's the skinny. i had to vent in an area that i know nobody reads.
 
 
 
 
 
 
so I was hospitalized with viral meningitis last week.

my parents thought I was going to die.

it was scary shit.

but I survived.

go me.